Square peg, round hole. Do you hold realistic expectations for your dog?
When my dog, Kaslo, first started to show signs of dog reactivity at 18-months of age, I was devastated. All I could think about was all the things I wanted to do with him, the places I wanted to go, and the image of my “perfect” dog that was being crushed right in front of my eyes.
The thought that my dog was no longer suited to the dog park, or would likely never accompany me to a friend’s backyard BBQ was a tough pill to swallow.
It took me a long time (longer than I care to admit) to realize that the only being I was thinking about was myself; I had never once asked myself “what does my dog want? What does my dog need to be happy?”
This blog isn’t about reactivity or the causes behind it (you can read all about that here), but the fact that my dog’s reactivity was driven by his desire to keep other dogs from approaching and interacting with him is important to know as I (try to) make my point.
Because my focus and goals were self-centered, I was trying to force my dog to become who I thought he should be. I wanted him to like the things I thought he should like, instead of taking the time to learn what he truly enjoyed. I was trying to force him into societies cookie cutter mold of what a “good dog” should look like, without ever taking a moment to consider what the dog in front of me wanted.
My reality check was a harsh one when I finally took a moment to try to walk a mile in my dog’s shoes (paws, whatever.)
Support the dog in front of you.
All dogs are individuals - sure, they share common instincts, traits, and characteristics, but no two dogs are the exact same. Just as no two humans are carbon copies of each other.
By trying to force our dog to fit this impossible standard set out for them, we are trying to jam a round peg into a square hole. I’m sure you can imagine how productive this outcome is going to be.
Instead of trying to dictate who are dog should be (and what they should like, do, etc.) we would all benefit from taking a moment to really learn who our dog is.
What does your dog like? What brings them joy? What are they afraid of? What would they prefer to avoid, if given the choice? Do they thrive from social interactions, or do social interactions cause them stress and grief? Maybe they land somewhere in the middle of it all.
If we don’t take the time to ask these questions, and learn the answers, we cannot do our best to serve our dogs and set them up to be successful in this big, busy, and messy world we have dragged them into.
When determining what we expect from our dogs, it’s important that these outcomes are ones that also support who are dog is. For my dog Kaslo, if I were to state that I “wanted him to ‘play nice with all the other dogs at the dog park,’ this goal would be deaf to his aversion to interacting with unknown dogs. I would be throwing him into the deep end of the pool, expecting him to just know how to swim, and then getting upset or disappointed when he needed a life raft.
Dogs needs space to be dogs.
Our expectations not only need to support the dog in front of us, but must recognize that your dog is…a dog! We need to ensure there is room for our dog to rehearse normal dog behaviors, like barking, digging, chewing, and running, in a way that is safe and appropriate.
Trying to “squash” normal dog behaviors and make them go away might work temporarily, but these behaviors are innate, and they need an outlet. If we don’t provide one for our dog, they’re simply going to find their own (watch out flower beds, here they come!)
When normal dog outlets are not being fulfilled, we can see an increase in frustration and boredom from our dogs. This might result in more “problem” behaviors - a problem for us, not the dog - as the dog seeks to fulfill their natural desires elsewhere.
When I finally realized I was doing my dog a major injustice by trying to make him into something (someone) he was not meant to be, things got easier.
It took a lot of work (so. much. work) to address his reactivity and teach him the confidence and skills he needed to successfully navigate dogs in the world, but we did it.
My dog doesn’t come with us on long hikes in new locations. He’d probably love something like this, but he wouldn’t enjoy a run-in with an unknown dog, and the risks simply outweigh the benefits for him. So, he gets a walk first and gets to nap at home while the family goes on the hike.
My dog doesn’t go to the dog park to play with other dogs - he never has, he never will. Not because I don’t want to “put in the work” to make this possible. No; we avoid the dog park because he doesn’t want to be there - he finds no joy in groups of unknown dogs, or navigating social interactions out of his control. So I don’t ask this from him.
My dog doesn’t fit societies standards of the perfect dog, but I honestly think you’d be hard pressed to find one dog who does. Kaslo is who he is, and who he was meant to be. He has his flaws (don’t we all?), but he is able to be a functional, respectful and safe canine member of our community.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Stay awesome.
Vanessa
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Vanessa Charbonneau, is the author of Dog Care for Puppies: A guide to Feeding, Playing, Grooming and Behavior. She owns Sit Pretty Behavior & Training, employing force-free training techniques, and specializing in working with fearful, aggressive, and reactive dogs. Charbonneau lives in Prince George, BC with her husband, two daughters, and one dog.